


Voyager Christmas Gifts

by Arlie



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Christmas, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-24
Updated: 2017-11-24
Packaged: 2019-02-06 03:21:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12808512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arlie/pseuds/Arlie
Summary: I've hacked into theVoyagercomputer system and found the crew's Christmas gift lists.





	Voyager Christmas Gifts

**Author's Note:**

> Dredged up from Usenet, ca. 2000. 
> 
> Paramount/Viacom owns the characters and setting. No copyright infringement intended.

Last year, we did "What would you get each of the Voyager crew for Christmas?" Predictably, Chuckles got a lot of Miracle Gro. This year, I'm wondering what they would get for each other. 

* * *

## Tom

_I've hacked into the main computer and extracted this list of gifts Tom Paris plans to give his friends:_

**The Captain:** My special 20th century holoprogram - the one called "Starbuck's." 

**Chakotay:** Box of doughnuts. He's looking too scrawny these days. 

**Tuvok:** I know - an elf costume. I'll tell him it's traditional, and act really hurt until he puts it on. Heh-heh. 

**The ol' ball and chain:** Hockey equipment. She'll love it! 

**Harry:** Mistletoe, and instructions on where to hang it for best results. 

**Neelix:** A nice book. Maybe something like _Fast Food: Roadside Restaurants in the Automobile Age._

**Doc:** A Playstation, and _Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2000_. I'm tired of being stuck in sickbay every Wednesday afternoon. 

**Seven:** Hockey equipment. She'll love it! 

* * *

## B'Elanna

 _This time, it's B'Elanna's list of what she's planning to get her crewmates for Christmas:_

**The Captain:** UPS (Uninterruptible Power Supply) so Michael will never leave her hanging again, even in a power outage. 

**Chakotay:** Boxing outfit. In any color except purple. 

**Tuvok:** Tom's access codes, so he can get back at him for all those pranks. 

**The ol' ball and chain:** A pair of slacks just like the ones Harry wore the other night. (I overheard Tom telling someone he really wanted to get into Harry's pants.) 

**Doc:** A program that lets him eat and enjoy holographic caviar. 

**Harry:** _Don't Bring a Flowergirl Flowers: Dating Tips For Virgins_. 

**Neelix:** A worm farm, so he can make authentic _gagh_. 

**Seven:** _Beauty and Fashion For Dummies_. 

* * *

## Harry

 _From the personal log of Harry S.L. Kim - yes, the list of what he's planning to get his crewmates for Christmas:_

**The Captain:** Flowers 

**Commander Chakotay:** A blender, in case he has to drink his meals again. (Geez, who knew he had a glass jaw? I hope he doesn't hold a grudge, or I'll _never_ get promoted.) 

**Tuvok:** A new _kal-toh_ board. (I think something's wrong with the one he has. I keep losing with it.) 

**Neelix:** A Salad Shooter. 

**B'Elanna:** Flowers. 

**Doc:** _Photographing Insects: Advanced Techniques._

**Tom:** An Ab-Roller. (I think he wants to lose weight. The other night, I overheard him telling someone he really wished he could fit into my pants. Or something like that.) 

**Seven:** Flowers. 

* * *

## Neelix:

 _Talaxians have Prixin, not Christmas, but he's always game for any kind of celebration. Here's what he's giving his crewmates:_

**Captain Janeway:** My secret recipe for Talaxian eggnog. 

**Commander Chakotay:** A new shirt. His clothes are all so dull and drab! 

**Mr. Vulcan:** An ancient Earth classic: _Martha Stewart's Fabulous Desserts_. 

**Seven:** A new kadis-kot board.

 **B'Elanna Torres:** A banana pancake breakfast. 

**Doc:** _Gray's Guide to Talaxian Anatomy_. 

**Tom Paris & Harry Kim**: An ice cream sundae. 

* * *

## Seven

 **Captain Janeway:** A gift certificate for an oil change and tuneup at the best spacedock in the Delta Quadrant, approximately 9,000 light-years ahead. 

**Commander Chakotay:** _How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love the Borg_. 

**Commander Tuvok:** 465,893 new ways to kill someone, to add to his collection. 

**The EMH:** _Figure Drawing For Beginners_. 

**Lt. Paris:** Twenty rations' worth of pork rinds. 

**Ensign Kim:** A small pet, species _felis catus_. (Several members of the crew have suggested that this is what Ensign Kim needs, if I understood their colloquial term correctly.) 

**Lt. Torres:** _Smart Women, Foolish Choices_. 

**Neelix:** Superstrength soap, to clean up after Naomi plays "connect the dots" on his face. 

* * *

## Tuvok

**Captain Janeway:** Pecan pie. And coffee. 

**Commander Chakotay:** Fruitcake. The same one he gave me last year. (I am informed that this is a human tradition.) 

**Seven of Nine:** _Fodor's Guide to Earth_. 

**The EMH:** A firewall for the computer containing his program. 

**Ensign Kim:** T'Lon's _Concerto for Clarinet and Vulcan Harp, #12_. 

**Lt. Torres:** A meditation lamp. 

**Mr. Neelix:** _The Starfleet Security Guide To Fitness_. 

**Lt. Paris:** _Men Are From Earth, Women Are From Klinzhai_. 

* * *

## Doc

**Captain Janeway:** _Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Sex With Photonics But Were Afraid To Ask_. 

**Commander Chakotay:** Some of that kinesthetic agent that Neelix used to make that fake _gagh_ look alive. 

**Commander Tuvok:** Classic Vulcan arias. Performed by me! 

**Seven:** Champagne and caviar. 

**Lt. Paris:** Viagra. And Rogaine. 

**Ensign Kim:** _Heather Has Two Daddies_. 

**Lt. Torres:** Valium. She's going to need it, now that she's married. 

**Neelix:** A new comb. For his feet. 

* * *

## Chakotay

_What Chuckles is planning to give his crewmates this Christmas:_

**Captain Janeway:** My lawyer's phone number, for when we get back to the Alpha Quadrant and she gets court-martialed. 

**Tuvok:** A bottle of Vulcan brandy and my recipe for Vegetarian Mincemeat Pie. 

**B'Elanna:** _The Peter Pan Syndrome: Men Who Have Never Grown Up_. 

**Doc:** Holographic fruitcake. 

**Tom & Harry:** Matching Razor Scooters. And protective gear. (They get so jealous if I don't give them each the exact same thing.) 

**Neelix:** A set of poker chips and some decks of playing cards. 

**Seven:** _Dilbert: Seven Years of Highly Defective People_. 

* * *

## Janeway

_Well, if you're wondering why it took so long to get to Cap'n Kate, it's because Janeway's list is very confusing. It appears two separate personalities of hers are Christmas shopping for the crew...._

### Nice Janeway's list

**Chakotay:** Enya's _A Day Without Rain_ and a selection of gourmet teas 

**Tuvok:** Terra-nut souffle. And new strings for his Vulcan harp. 

**B'Elanna:** A box of gourmet chocolate and a bottle of champagne. 

**Doc:** PowerPoint or something, to liven up his slideshows. 

**Neelix:** A microwave. (It's the 24th century, and he's still cooking in a wok, over an open flame.) 

**Seven:** Fuzzy bunny slippers and hot cocoa with marshmelons. 

**Tom:** A nice 2355 Bordeaux. 

**Harry:** A pair of hockey skates, so he doesn't have to play hockey in figure skates any more (and get laughed at by Tom, poor boy). 

### Evil Janeway's list

**Chakotay:** A spirit flea collar for his spirit animal guide. 

**Tuvok:** _The LAPD Guide To Improving Your Investigative Procedure_. 

**B'Elanna:** Marabel Morgan's _The Total Woman_. 

**Doc:** A Flowbee. 

**Neelix:** _1001 Chocolate Recipes_ \- and the suggestion that leola root makes a good substitute for chocolate. 

**Seven:** A gluestick - disguised as a lipstick. 

**Tom:** Socks. 

**Harry:** A Chiclet - in a little box like rank insignia comes in. (Heh-heh. Can't wait to see the look on his face.)


End file.
